I guess a lot has happened since I last wrote on my blog. I can remember the last time I visited, because it was right after my grandmother's passing. I just finished reading my last post and it's obvious to me that I was still in a calm state....shock. Well, my feelings don't feel so calm anymore. For the most part I go on with each day, but the truth is I keep a picture of my grandma at school, the picture of her and I that I have on this blog. A student of mine even created a replica in oil paint. I definitely had to fight the tears that day when the little 8th grader handed me the picture he had drawn of me and my grandma.My grandma's death has really hit my life hard. As a child we had moved enough to never feel like any place was truly home, maybe that's why I feel like I can call any place home. Home is where my crap is. My grandma's passing represents so much more in my life. I know people say, you should feel lucky to have a grandma.
This holiday season has left me so confused. One moment I'm thinking and feeling I really want to get into the holiday spirit this year; I want to try and capture everything that Christmas used to feel like. When it really comes down to it, Christmas as a child was Christmas because of many things, but a major part was grandma and grandpa's house.
I have tried to "capture the Christmas spirit" by doing things like making cookies, listening to holiday music non stop, watching all the great Christmasy movies, but every time I hit the holiday high, the low is nearby as I start thinking of Christmas as a child and knowing I can never truly replicate the memories of when I was little no matter how hard I try. My grandma and grandpa will never be present for my recreated memories of Christmas past.
Contrary to the sadness you've just read, I have been trying to stay upbeat and not let my sadness keep me from taking care of myself and others. Since I last wrote here, Jamie and his friends successfully began their own company and have reached number 2 on the charts on the iPhone App Store with the game Fieldrunners. I really am proud and knew this day would come for him.
Since I've known Jamie, I've known what a thoughtful, skillful, talented, dedicated, and intelligent man is was/is, not to mention extremely hardworking and passionate. There was never a doubt in my mind that he would one day find his success because he worked so hard and dedicated so much of his time to accomplishing his dream of owning his own business. He has many important decisions to make in the next couple of months, possibly having to quit a fabulous company, maybe move to the south or west, and lastly figure out where do I fall with everything he wants out of life. I will support whatever he does and know that he needs to do what he needs to do and that I wont' take any of it personally because business is business, and business is currently his dream and priority.
As far as the rest of life, well I'm still trying to adjust to life with constantly losing people. 2 weeks after my grandma passed, My Uncle Freddy passed too, her brother. Then, we tragically lost my Aunt June who was married to my grandpa's brother. I'm not really sure what God has planned for me or my family, or if there is a God or what happens when people die. I know it's common to reevaluate ones beliefs after such tragedies, and that is where I am right now.
School has been great and yet overwhelming. I'm still trying to figure out if I like being busy all of the time, or if it is at least helpful so I don't sit around and sulk. I have been blessed with a great group for my homeroom, and a talented group of students to work with me this year on the Leadership Team. And, while I feel like a lucky person, I can't shake my grief and am trying to find the things in life that truly motivate me.
Today I participated in my first race. I was so excited about signing up and picking up my number, 903, and getting the chip to tie into my shoe. I don't feel like I did my best, but I still came in under 35 minutes for a 5k. I know if I had kept up with my gym visits, it would've been A LOT better. I knew this before I went to the race and hoped that I would walk away with feeling motivated to pick up where I left off. I guess I will never just feel that way so until I do, I will just force myself to do the things I was doing before my grandma died until I get the same sense of happiness again.
Thanks for putting up with this entry. I will try to create posts that are more upbeat. I will always be honest on here about who I am and what I'm feeling...cause that's just who I am.
With Love and a heuristic whisper,
Allyson
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